Stay the Same

An emotional journey
8 August 2011, 2:13 pm
Filed under: ALL, Diary entries

So the teething problems I mentioned in my earlier post turned out actually not to be teething problems at all but a mistake I’d made  manipulating the clips in final cut. It was a big relief when I worked this out (a few hours after posting the blog) although I also felt a little silly.  I now have one months worth of useable footage with my official start date being July 9th.

I reviewed the first months footage and it is very different from the test film. I look worried.

The reality of not leaving home is  sinking in and I have started to crave a trip away. I feel like I am loosing perspective and this scares me a little. I am hoping that this fear is equivalent to the moment you get to the foot of a mountain and look up.  You don’t believe you’ll actually ever make it to the top, then you remind myself this is one of the reasons you climb hills.

I am now only just beginning to sense the scale of the journey ahead.  What does eleven months feel like? It can go quickly but it can feel like an awfully long time too. I wrote down all the major events that happened last year so I had something to compare it with. Will this year be as full? Will there be as much change in my own life? Might there even be more because I am staying in one place.

Looking at my own worried face (my mum thought this was a problem with the lighting) reminded me that the film has to be about an emotional journey. The most powerful moments in the film will be ones of emotional change even if I don’t know what they are yet and even if these changes take place over many months. I have been in a little bit of denial about the extent self reflective nature of this film (despite the website banner and pictures of me everywhere!). Part of me wants to believe the back drop, the tides and the light are more important than I am. I am slightly embarrassed by it. I’m not quite sure why I keep attempting to depict/observe myself in this way or how healthy it is, but I’m not sure I would have got anyone else to agree to be the subject of this film or how fair it would have been to do this to anyone else. Maybe I am underestimating other peoples openness and trust.

But all of this is very good for me. In a world of tortoises and hares I am definitely one of life’s hares and it seems to be taking me an awfully long time to learn to be patient.

I think it is time to go and do some hill climbing.


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